Type A(gressive)

I’ve been thinking about personalities recently. Two folks I know applied for the same job and they both have very different traits. I like both of them for various reasons, but one is the type of person everyone seems to like — friendly, kind, submissive. These sorts of people seem to do well in general because they always bring sunshine and rarely are the rain cloud. The other person, she’s more like I am. She’s straight forward and vocal when she needs to be. She can hold her own, but can be seen as abrasive in certain situations because she doesn’t just cow-tow to others.

While different from the latter person, she and I do have similar qualities. I am sometimes the rain cloud in an otherwise moderate afternoon. I speak too quickly in some situations and other times not at all. My face betrays my mind so often I wonder if I would lose even before I began in poker. I didn’t choose to be this way though. I’m often ashamed of what I’ve said in the moment, regretting that I couldn’t control my emotions enough to keep a level head. I replay things that have happened constantly wondering why others seem to be able to stay so cool in those situations when I just act. Try mediation, they say. Take a breath before you speak, they say. Believe me, I’ve spent hours trying to “inner peace” my way to a different person. And, trust me, if my mind thought “how about a breath” before I opened my mouth, I’d like to believe I’d be somewhere else in my life right now.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate myself. I like that I can stand up for myself and that I am curious and eager to learn. I like that I’m an honest person and that I’m loyal. I think these are all good qualities for a person to have. It’s what makes me brave in complicated and scary moments. But, when I look at my twin, who is one of the former type people, I can’t help but wonder why he got those characteristics and I ended up like me. So many times growing up, I heard how women my mother’s age considered him their other son. No one outside of my own mother ever considered me their daughter.

It’s isolating sometimes having such a fiery personality. Especially when one has anxiety as well and that anxiety makes one look hard in the mirror for long periods of time when alone. I want to be someone people generally enjoy. I want to be the kind of person people want to give jobs to, not only because they’re confident I can do them but because they like who I am. I know at almost 41 I can’t change, but sometimes I wish the world would embrace folks like me.